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14/01/2009 15:25:15
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
Not saying this one is original but it has a sales twist and it made me laugh

Dave the networking-mad key account manager was bragging to his boss one day: "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff: "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door. Cruise opens it and shouts: "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave the house, he tells Dave that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no! Just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying: "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not ready to give in. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts again to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome....

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square when Dave says: "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him: "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said: 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
16/01/2009 13:42:25
Edward
Edward
Posts 17
SCOTTISH LOGIC

A Scotsman calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, laddie but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We cannae stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
17/01/2009 17:31:04
Nick de Cent
Nick de Cent
Posts 175
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me at 5am.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

It read: 'It is 5am. Wake up.'

Apparently, men are not equipped for these kinds of contests Duhh
17/01/2009 17:44:56
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
Seeing as thoughts seem to be turning to human relationships in this thread, here's another.

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before – and both married to other people – found themselves assigned to the same compartment on a sleeper train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the space, both were very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying: ‘Hiya, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m really cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ the woman replied. ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married….’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. ‘Get your own f**king blanket.’

After a moment or two of silence, he farted.

The EndEn Garde!
22/01/2009 09:35:24
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
Sick as a parrot

I read this online recently and, while it's not exactly a regular joke, I think somebody was having a laugh!

A parrot has caused chaos at a football match: the parrot, Me-Tu was accompanying owner Irene Kerrigan to a game between Hertfordshire Rangers and Hatfield Town.

Ref Gary Bailey, 45, told the Daily Mirror: "I've never known anything like it. This woman was standing right by the touchline and suddenly unveiled this big green parrot.

"Every time I blew my whistle the bird made exactly the same sound.

"The players all stopped so I had to ask her to move the parrot."

He added: "I've never sent off a parrot before."

Apart from his whistling, Me-Tu also shouted "pretty boy" at the players from his cage on the sidelines.

She said: "He loves his football and I'll take him back down there."

Hatfield Town beat her team 5-2.
22/01/2009 17:50:54
BillyBoy
BillyBoy
Posts 98
Wracking my brain for another “parrot” sketch and could only get “Norwegian Blue”, but then a magical chimp appeared out of the depths – must be the bestial company I keep. Anyway…

Chap goes into a bar, carrying a chimp, and plonks himself down on a barstool. He’s chatting up the voluptuous barmaid (of course) and ends up declaring that not only is his primate companion an equally delicious female companion, but “she know a trick or two”.

“Go on then”, says the barmaid, “show us”.

“Well, it’s a bit of an intimate trick”, confides our hero, but since the “us” only refers to him, her, the chimp and old Paddy who is propping up the other end of the bar, he checks with “are you OK about it?” A shrug from Paddy and an enthusiastic “yeah sure” from his main audience, and his actions are confirmed.

“Pass me that empty beer bottle then”, he says, “and stand back a bit”. She complies. “Ready?” “Yep.” And he whacks the chimp over the head with the bottle, which breaks.

There is a pause of indeterminate length, and then suddenly the chimp does a back-flip off our hero’s lap, leaps up onto the bar, jumps from there to the ceiling light, swings three times round that, transfers to the ceiling fan, practically flies round the room on that and then dismounts as gracefully as an Olympic gymnast to land on the bar stool right next to her starting point. Clever clogs, meanwhile, has unzipped and produced an action-ready “tool”, which is gracefully taken up by the trick monkey and “blown” to perfection, in 90 seconds flat.

This has the desired effect on Ms Magnificent, of course, who is standing there somewhat “open-mouthed” herself, and even Paddy has raised himself an inch or two away from his Guinness, and is certainly glancing in the direction of the action.

Wishing to demonstrate generosity as well as talent, our hero therefore asks “Do you want a go mate?” To which Paddy replies….

“Ahh sure, g’wan then. But don’t be hitting me too hard with that bottle though!”
25/01/2009 11:40:20
NeilWarren
NeilWarren
Posts 661
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said...

"A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
25/01/2009 12:03:38
NeilWarren
NeilWarren
Posts 661
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
27/01/2009 19:35:47
BillyBoy
BillyBoy
Posts 98
Quick Thinking

So there I was, in a terrible rush, as usual, whipped into Sainsbury's in the old Chelsea Tractor, only needed some smokes, so bunged it straight in the nice, wide slot they have with the baby/toddler markings.

Jumped out and had just beeped it closed, when I spot a jobsworth parking attendant, hoping I'll make his day.

Solved the problem without having to re-park by the simple expedient of banging on the boot door and shouting....

NOW STAY THERE, AND BE QUIET!

20/02/2009 11:37:39
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
Some excruciating puns here, but hey, some of them are quite funny even if you've heard 'em before ….

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartmaid says: ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common ?’ ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ replies Daisy.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied: ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms !’

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: ‘Dam!’

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the boat. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to move along. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet…. he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)..... ‘A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.’

20 And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
20/02/2009 14:33:15
Doorman
Doorman
Posts 21
Actually I don't think no 5. is very funny.

Because I had a bloke come up to the club where I do a bit of part time work on the door, and he had a piece of green tarmac under his arm.

So I says "no way mate - sorry"

And he says "why?"

And I says "'cos that's a cycle path you've got with you"

Now that's funny.
20/02/2009 15:00:12
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
Would that be the 'psychopath' kind of cycle path? (I've always been a bit slow on the uptake!)
20/02/2009 15:08:26
Doorman
Doorman
Posts 21
Yes! Well done.

So can you understand the other ones in your 14. "fsh" one? Which are....

What do you call a deer with no eyes? - No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? - Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no b******s - Still no f*****g idea

See - I'm full of 'em.

(And what do you call a sheep with no legs? - A cloud)
20/02/2009 15:51:21
Account Man
Posts 23
Those old jokes!...

I was working for a design agency about ten years ago and we had to present some concepts to the Consumers Association (Which? Magazine, etc). Our team couldn't think of any really good ideas and, anyway, our hearts weren't really in it as the prospect was usually a bit of a time-waster. So, we presented a whole series of graphics around tha 'No Idea/no-eye deer' theme - the last one was, as you quite rightly point out, 'Still no f*cking idea'. That sort of summed up all we had to say on the subject of their pitch.

You should have seen the look on the faces of the assembled marketing department and CA senior management when we unveiled this particular concept. Needless to say we didn't get the gig but it was worth it to be wasting their time for a change and have a bit of a laugh into the bargain.

Of course, I wouldn't ever advocate this kind of behaviour to anybody else reading such an esteemed sales best-practice journal as ModernSelling.com. Toast
22/04/2009 00:07:04
Account Man
Posts 23
The Lone Ranger’s Last Request...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims: “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger.... In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds: “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed: “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed: “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds: “I’d like to speak to my horse... alone.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says: “Listen Very Carefully! For... the... last... time... I said.... ‘BRING POSSE’!”
22/04/2009 09:45:51
BillyBoy
BillyBoy
Posts 98
YOU DO THE MATH:

Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin retirement home for the patient’s monthly mental examination.

He sees his first patient and asks him, “Ralph, how much is six times six?”

Ralph responds, “74.”

He asks the next resident, “Tim, how much is six times six?”

Tom responds, “Thursday.”

Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, “Randy, how much is six times?”

“THIRTY-SIX!” replies Randy quickly and with great confidence.

“That’s right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?”

“Oh it was easy... I just subtracted Thursday from 74.”
24/04/2009 10:47:41
It's the way I sell 'em
Posts 45
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their toddlers....

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

The psychiatrist turned to the third mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your daughter's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: 'Come on Dick; this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.' Applause
30/04/2009 13:14:14
Doorman
Doorman
Posts 21
The Swine Flu Pandemic

Breaking News: A remedy has been found for Swine Flu.

Instead of inoculating victims, doctors have now developed an effective oinkment, based on the fact that most victims develop nasty rashers on contracting the virus!

P.S. - Don't bother calling the Swine Flue hotline, there's a problem with their phone line. I just tried it and all I got was crackling!
30/04/2009 13:49:03
Account Man
Posts 23
Someone said that Swine Flu wasn't catching but health officials said they were just telling porkies....

PS There's also a Jack Tweed joke circulating but I thought it was in too poor taste to post!
27/05/2009 17:40:17
NeilWarren
NeilWarren
Posts 661
My own beautiful daughter asked me, admittedly when a few months older than this next apparent rising star, but still from the back seat of the car on a longish and tiring drive, something along the lines of...

"Daddy?" - "Yes Darling..." "x, y, z....?", "answer", pause.....
"Daddy?" - "Yes Darling..." "a, b, c....?", "answer", pause.....
"Daddy?" - "Yes Darling..." "1, 2, 3....?", "answer", pause.....
"Daddy?" - "Yes Darling..." "Do you think I'm chattative?"

So I'm a big fan, and hugely tolerant, of the fairer sex - proof positive that I have minimal sexist intent when bringing you this next clip, which was billed to me as "Are women born this way?" but which I prefer to translate as...

Can you be born with "The Gift of the Gab"? (Video - needs sound - 25 secs)
edited by NeilWarren on 27/05/2009
pages: 1 2

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